- After a difficult breakup, I started prioritizing myself.
- As I started doing things on my own, I decided that I would stay single and celibate.
- Two years later, I feel better and happier than ever before.
I could feel that the end was near with my girlfriend, but I did not want to believe it.
Neither of us wanted to accept that we'd kept the semblance of a spark alive out of comfort and convenience. Still, staying together didn't mean I felt close to her.
One day, we went swimming to free dive, which is something we both love to do. She posted a picture of her truck with a heart emoji on the way there. It would've been innocent enough, but in that moment, it piled on my heart as another instance where I was excluded from her social media.
I tried not to care, but as she refrained from posting about me during the holiday season, my birthday, and New Year's, I felt that the space I took up in her life was dwindling.
But now, as I was swimming alongside her in the depths of the ocean, I thought that I couldn't keep doing this. The person who used to be my life vest was now drowning me. I thought that I couldn't keep accepting a love that isn't working as hard as I am. This is not the partner I deserve.
I knew it was only a matter of time, and yet I couldn't get myself to utter the words. Ironically, she had, in various ways, tried to end the relationship. I was crazy enough to decline, as if breaking up was an invitation.
But later that day, I finally did the honors.
I was devastated after the breakup but then I prioritized myself
But sooner rather than later, it reawakened the power and independence I'd forgotten I had. While it may have seemed like my world was falling apart, I knew that I could put the broken pieces of myself back together into an even more magnificent version.
First, the breakup diet expedited getting into the best shape of my life — I had an insurmountable amount of adrenaline that had me rollerblading easily over 100 miles a week. Also, I finally went platinum and got extensions to really bring out the Mother of Dragons energy.
Internally, I embarked on a journey of self-reflection and spent time doing the things we loved, alone. I went diving in the ocean by myself. I took myself on dates and ordered exactly what I wanted. I took a road trip as a hot single dog mom. I went on many hikes through the forest and danced to the tune of the rustling leaves. I made new friends and bonded with old ones. All the love that I had allocated for this person only grew and expanded in all directions.
I went from overwatering one plant to creating a garden full of love.
I also decided to remain celibate
I learned the hard way not to entertain lustful encounters. After love, nothing compares. No matter how attractive someone may look or act, being in love is a different frequency for me. Acting on the instinct to fill a void just left me feeling even more drained and well below empty.
After that realization, I was very open about my healing journey and honoring my personal space. That's when I decided I would remain celibate — no dating, no intimacy, and platonic relationships only. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was unavailable for anything that was not supporting me.
I get lonely sometimes, but I remind myself that I have a great support system of friends and family.
Two years later, I feel better than ever before
Recently, I was hopping off a plane in Colombia to meet my best friend for an adventure. I suddenly thought about my ex, and I acknowledged that I would never stop caring for her, but I regained the freedom to prioritize my happiness.
I am whole enough with myself that I do not need anyone, nor do I want or crave to be anything other than overflowing with power, confidence, and pure bliss for being unapologetically myself.
Sign up for notifications from Insider! Stay up to date with what you want to know. Subscribe to push notificationsWatch: Clea DuVall talks coming out and directing a lesbian rom-com
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7o8HSoqWeq6Oeu7S1w56pZ5ufony0wMCynJ1lo567qLjEZpinnF2Ysq21wZqrnmWRm8GmvoybqZ6Zm6q9bn6Pa2pmaWA%3D